Too much to handle?

Being frank: I am stressed out.

Reason so, not only I am berpulun doing so many things; juggling all my responsibilities and don't have time to unwind and take it easy. This year is my final year in school, and like all school leavers, there is the BIG exam. It is vital, but no, I keep putting more unwanted responsibilities on my shoulder.

I am so stressed, but I am to blame myself.

One more thing, I keep trying to get this girl as mine, yes, I am 'tackling' this girl at school. Dumb, definitely! I like her, no - I have a BIG crush on her, I want her. Stupidly I am going a path which I shouldn't take, which is falling in "love" at a year so vital.

On the berpulun part; I am now trying to establish two new associations at school. Yes, I am berpulun.

I am such an idiot! I really need to buckle down and start to pick up the book-in-front-of-face syndrome now.

Why the ducks? Oh well, that is how I should feel, just going with the flow NOT creating my own waves...

The day you start to die is the day you are born.

The day you start to die is the day you are born

I read this post on my Wall on Facebook. It was written by Manvir, a close and good friend.

If you read this phrase at a glance, you will probably try to think hard of it, but after awhile you will just say "Nah!" and probably forget about it. This phrase some how has a very deep meaning. It has an abstract meaning to it which not many will actually ponder on; and I am not saying that I am, I am just saying that this phrase, is food for the soul.

To be born; if you look at a person's life in overall, you would either say that he lived his life or otherwise. When a person lives his life, it means that he had enjoyed his life, he lived a good man, helping others, loving others and of course treasuring life as a something so precious that not even gold can buy.

Die, in this probably doesn't mean literally dying but rather when a person knows that something is going to end like his life, or something that he is enjoying now. To die, is to lose something very dear, something precious. In this case, to die is to live behind the things you treasure most, like your experiences, your knowledge but most of all your loved ones.

The day you start to die is the day you are born is the day where you wake up to reality and face life in the face and realize that life has much more to offer than just to exist on this Earth. When we die we will have an epiphany that we have such a short time on Earth, so why waste it? Why exist when we can live? Why be depressed when we can live life to the fullest?

When we die we get the sudden realization that we have not enjoyed every moment of this life we have. There was once this man, he loved his family a lot but he was also a a man who travels, a man of the business. He was always busy, he was rich, and he never actually had quality time to spend with his family. Then one day, he felt this pain in his chest, he went to get it diagnosed - it was a tumour. He had only 8 months left to live. He was such a shock. Then he took what was meant to be the biggest step of his life, he quit his job. He wasn't afraid, but most of all he wasn't scared to die. His family all cried for him, they mourned his short time on earth, but he said to them, not to mourn, because life is too short- enjoy it, live it. So, in that short months he lived his life to the fullest; he loved deeper, he laughed more, he went bungee jumping, he learnt to ride a horse, he went to pick up ballroom dancing and he started playing the banjo. His last words were, that even though he did not spend enough time with his family, but in these last few months he really did spend quality time with them, and most of all he loved his life and had no regrets.

So that's it. One must cherish life and every moment we have on this earth and not to waste it. Still in a maze about this phrase? Don't worry, it will come to you one day.

A day with the Girl next Door.

This essay is going to be a little longer than the last, but anyhow here it is:

I was bored. So, I decided to disturb her by asking, via SMS:

"What are u doin tis CNY?"

"Notin la, come over la to my house"

I stared at the message for a few minutes, I was in disbelief; this would be my ultimate chance to see her again. So, I thought about it, should I or shouldn't I? After a day sleeping over it, I finally decided to go and see her. It took me a day to slowly ask my mom and dad to go out. Questions like "Will there be any boys there?" and "What are you going to do when you got there?" came flying out at me. I picked my self up and stood my ground, and humbly asked them again. After, a few hours of convincing, I finally got them to let me go.

It was Sunday, it was 1.30, my dad was ready to send me. I was sweating, I was nervous, but most of all I was excited. So, I picked up my camera and my little gift, and hurried to the car.

It was the first day of the year; according to the Lunar calendar. We drove down the road, I was making up conversations in my head. I really can't believe that I was going to see her again!

We arrived at the destination after almost 20 minutes of driving. We got lost at first: the housing area was big, so after 3 minutes of wandering around, I took the chance to call her. I dialed my phone, a caller ringtone rang in my ear. I couldn't make out what the song was.

"Hello!?"

It was her, her soothing, sweet voice. My heart started pounding. Then I said:

"Hello!?"

"Yes, oh it's you. Where are you?"

"I am lost, what number is your house again?"

"Where are you?"

"Somewhere. Behind a lot of houses, maybe the back of the 'taman'."

"Oh, ok, go back to the front my house is at the first row as you turn in just now, you can see my house number there."

I quickly asked my dad, to speed up, we went to the house and I saw it. I was in disbelief. Then my dad said, this is obviously her house. I saw other guest arriving, so I got down from the car, grabbed my camera and my 'gift'- a cake, from the back seat. I looked at the house, I started feeling more and more nervous. I took my phone out from my pocket, dialed it, again her voice. I told her I was outside; then I heard her front door open, and there she was, the girl which I had my crush on so much. I walked towards her, I smiled widely, she invited me in; and there was I, in her house, where she lived.

I smiled at her, I looked into her eyes, my it was beautiful. She showed me a seat, right at the front door was a table, she had her classmate there, eating laksa. I smiled, again, my eyes gazed over to her, she was wearing a purple dress, all nicely fitted around her, her hair was let loose. Her elder sister was there, I met her, we introduced each other, she was on her laptop, she then pushed over a bowl of laksa to me. I stared at it, I wanted to eat, as I was feeling a little hungry at that time. Then, she looked at me, we started having small talk. I dug in the bowl of laksa.

As the conversation was still going on, her dad came in. I instantly stood up and shook his had and wished him a happy new year. I was his student. I went back again to eat my lunch. Again they started to talk, I was the odd one out, reason so because I can’t speak Chinese. Oh well, too bad for me.

I finished my bowl. Her sister then offered me, a Chinese traditional bowl of mixed fruits, that was her younger sister. I ate with delight.

Then her classmate wanted to leave. I stood up and smiled - again and this time said bye too. Then the table was just us, her sisters, her dad, herself and me. We talked and chatted away. I tried to keep my eyes distracted but I just couldn’t resist looking at her. Then her dad went out.

A conversation broke out about piano. Then all of a sudden her elder sister started playing on the grand piano they had. It was beautiful!

Then she played. I stared at her, she was going to play for me! As her fingers ran across the keyboard, I couldn’t help noticing how smooth her hands were. She kept on playing for about 30 seconds, 30 seconds of pure peace in my heart, her look on her face, I shall forever cherish it.

Hours past, the clock kept on ticking, 4 o' clock, 5 o' clock, then I asked her for a drink, she gave me a tour of the house. Again, I was getting all giddy inside. She poured me a mug of Sarsi, then we went outside. The outside of a garden, was nice, pleasant, she had two dogs, which never liked. We sat there, her grandparent's karaoke machine was playing all the 70's music, all themed of love and peace. I just felt like standing up and singing "I wanna hold your hand" to her.

We kept on talkin for another hour or so. Then I decided to go grab my camera, which I left earlier inside. I trailed behind her, watching her every move. Now we were back at their common room, her sister was there. Then her dad came out, he went to take a shower, and then 'pop' the lights went out, at that time we stared at each other, me the feeling of drowning into her eyes, hers, I will never know. She scurried to ask her dad what to do, and then she switched back on the electricity.

Again, we sat at the table, with her younger sister there. Then, all of a sudden my phone rang and I heard the voice of my mother. She cried out, that I should be back by now, and my dad is coming. I dread that moment, why can't I just spent a few more hours here?

Then I looked at the time: 7.30

My, I was here almost 6 hours.

So, I waited for my dad. Then her parents came out, all dressed prepared for dinner, and there was I talking with their daughter. I liked it there. We continued talking, and having small laughs together. Also, her mom offered me a hot drink, I was touched but I respectfully declined it. Then all of a sudden, my phone was playing "I can get No Satisfaction" - it was my dad. He was outside.

She stood up, on her feet saying "Thanks a lot, and thanks for coming." I just felt like wanted to hug her and said thank you for everything, but that would obviously be my death roll. So then, she opened the door for me, and I walked towards my dad's car. I saw her mom and her waving goodbye.

That wouldn't have been the last time, I saw her, and that is just the account of my one day with the girl next door.

END

A festive spirit.

Living in Malaysia, no doubt, we instantly notice various kinds of people from all walks of life. We have all kinds of races here.

Today is Chinese New Year, the Year of the Tiger, and everywhere you can see, most shops are close, roads are deserted (well almost) and well, things are rather peaceful. One thing for sure, during CNY, everyone is happy. We can see the Sikh temples, Christian Churches, Taoist temples, Buddhist temples wishing everyone else a Happy Chinese New Year.

Ahhh, such unity. Such diversity among all races. It is calming to the heart to see, different religions and races, humbling themselves to take the burden of wishing, decorating, inviting, all in the name of a multi-racial community.

I started my day off, at the usual 5.30, yes, I do wake up that early. Got ready for mass, and left home at 7.30. Went to mass, climb up the hill, offered prayers then went into church.

Mass today was extraordinary long. Not only sermon was long, but we also had the Chinese custom of respecting our ancestors. It was rather interesting, only one problem, I couldn't understand most...... no, all...... of it.

We came home, on the way we bought Nasi Lemak. My mom, dad and I went to dig in and 'makan' our nasi lemak. We all rested for awhile.

12.40pm

1.00pm- shower

1.15

1.29- left my house.

Why?

A friend invited me for CNY! Goodness, was I happy, because, I finally had to go out and see a friend. the Amazing thing was, I received alot of ang pau. It made me feel glad; I was proud to be involved with this festive spirit.

I spent at her house for almost 6 hours!! I made my mom very mad; but somehow I was too glad to even feel any anger or animosity. I sat with her, we talked, we laughed. Her dad was the best, he showed me his Vinyl Record set, as crackly as it was, it was great to see someone else had a 'thing' for it.

So, I spent (nicely), the whole day. I felt guilty, because I stayed there way too long. Until, she started to fidget, but just seeing her that day made me already glad.

My dad finally came at 7.30. I went in the car. We drove off. We reached home, we had dinner.

Then just before I called it a day, my father left his own Ang Pau on the table, and shouted from the kitchen, "There a Tiger Ang Pao, for you"

I smiled.

I really did enjoyed that day, not only I had ang pao, but also I got to spend time, with a friend, a friend I really favored.

Regrets.

I regret, not being active in

• extra-curricular activities at school
• sports
• education
• reading
• and my love life

Why do I regret?

This year is vital, very vital. Yet, only this year I am taking an initiative to turn over a new leaf. Too bad, I am not turning over too fast.

Another regret, posting this post.

Gazing into the night; with her.

Sitting on my lawn at home, with a big open compound, I dragged a plastic recliner seat, sat on it, and stared at the stars. Upon looking at the stars, my mind started wondering about life. And being a typical male teenager, I started thinking about her. Yes, her, the girl which is 'the girl next door'.

As I was sitting there looking at Orion's belt, I started wondering, will she ever know about this? Will she ever notice how I felt for her?

All those questions rung in my head; I thought of one more: Why did I like her so much? What was it about her that made me fall for her? How come, I never felt like this before? The questions kept coming.

She was beautiful, I couldn't resist just staring into her eyes. The time when she and I talked, I could feel my heart racing, like a little girl. I remembered the time, when she participated in a district level competition along with her team; I tagged along, I remembered she giving me her stuff to safeguard it. She trusted me, whilst walking away in her pinafore I gazed at her and said to myself "We must be getting somewhere."

Foolish as I may seem, I just can't stop saying how beautiful she is. She was rich, she was tall and she was charming. Without doubt boys were after her, what chance do I have with her, seeing at the good-looking boys chasing her?

A friend told me, that I should just get it off my chest and tell her how I felt.

I couldn't, not at losing my friendship with her. Bad enough, I seem so dumb all around her, what more to tell her that I fancied her. I remember that she was the one, who encouraged me to get myself a more expanded lifestyle, to be a little more outgoing and of course, less serious.

I sat there gazing into the night sky, picturing her sitting next to me. Then all of a sudden, the lyrics of "If I Fell" started playing in my head. The song is from the magnificent Beatles, of how if I fell in love with you, would I be hurt, would our love be in vain? It kept playing, and suddenly I pictured her and I at the library in school, with everything else in place, there was her, how she and I spent our only time together, for a full hour. I remembered it, it brought a smile to my face.

I stood up, I arranged the chair back, I once again gazed into the night sky, seeing the stars glittering without their moon and once more I mind raced to think about her, only to be slowly fading and coming into conscience and to think logically, that she will never fall for me, not now, not tomorrow, not ever, and then I started to think of others who I too fancied.