A long return.

It has been over three years since my last posting, and I have completely forgotten all about my blog. I feel guilty for abandoning it. What more after reading back my old post, I think to myself, I was a strange, much much strange person back when I was 19 years old. Heck, it has only been three years.

Anyway today, 27th October marks the day where I will revive my blog and start blogging again. Will anyone read it? I'm not sure, but who cares? Let this be something where I dedicate myself to.

So if you're reading this, welcome to my blog. Don't judge me just yet. You might find something interesting.

The ripples within

I obviously did something wrong, or maybe I'm just not that presentable to her. 

Yes it's another problem with a another girl. I have fallen in love again, and this time I really think I caused the trouble within myself. 

Who is this girl?

Nop, she isn't perfect, nop she isn't sweet nor she is beautiful; in fact she seems challenging and also hard to handle but she seems all too well to be loved and to be taken care off. Where have I failed to look after my face or my credibility in front of her, I think I have lost it all. 

Can it ever be recreated or can it ever be repaired. What more my dear brother friend is so close to her. What chance then do I have with her. He himself is confused of his feeling but it is obvious the sparks are there. 

Now the greatest concern is not to get her anymore but rather get her for the good of my reputation.  

Numerology (short) experience

The last two days I attended a Leadership and Team Management course in UTAR. The facilitator was a professional leadership trainer and speaker. He was very motivated and passionate in his way of delivering- Captain Arivanathan, a former ship captain. Besides teaching and showing us how to be a good leader, he also had the ability to do numerology. The numbers were based on your birth date and it was based on a traditional Indian system; plus he included palmistry. Strangely enough his reading were strangely (and a little creepy) true. This is what he interpreted when he read my numbers:

1. I am a creative thinker and innovative one too.
2. I think differently from other people.
3. I like to cook, and when I do, I go by taste.
4. I have skin problem.
5. I do things with passion if I really want to do things.
6. My initial (or early on in life) love life will experience a lot of problems but it gets better over time.
7. I might have a problem of having a hard time getting children BUT
8. I am active and good in bed (That is what he said).
9. I would be rich in my latter part of life (NOTE: not stated what kind of wealth).
10. I have a problem with friends, that none will last with me for a very long time but I would have met many-many people; friends go in and out of your life.
11. I talk fast.
12. (through palmistry) I am very hot-tempered and can't keep my anger long.
13. Deep thinker.

That's about it. Overall, I think it is rather true for most of them. Especially describing my personality, most of it does reflect how I am. Accurate or not, at least he got me interested in this kind of study for now.

What do you think, do those description match me?

Those Hands.

Those Hands,
never let me go.

Those Hands,

help pull myself up when I fall.

Those Hands,

guide me through the unknown road.

Those Hands,

hold me when I need reassurance.

Those Hands,
comfort me when I lose myself.

Those Hands,

rests on my shoulders when I'm in doubt.

Those Hands,

are around me when I need a friend.

Those Hands,

point to me the path I need to take.

Those Hands,
taps gently on mine when I lose myself.

All through my moments of joy and grief,

All through moments of confidence and doubt,

All through my moments of peace and anxiety;

those Hands are there; never letting go.

At times I don't hold back those Hands

but never have those Hands left mine.
For that, I kiss those Hands, the Hands which has been pierced for me.

Amen.

By the Lake.

I stare into the darkness,

Alone by the lake,

Sounds of the birds at night,

whisper of the wind.

I see her standing there,

her face facing me,

I see her sweet smile, smiling at me with such loving eyes.

I stand up,

turn my head away,

I cannot let her see my tear.

She comes to me,

kisses me on the cheek,

slowly she fades into the darkness.

Here I am, by the open lake, under the night sky, a few stars and the cool breeze of the night.

I sigh and wiped my tear away.

I am all alone, she wasn't here.

She is in a better place, with a better someone.

I will never lose her, as long as she is still in my heart.

Taat.

Taat, the Malay word for respect, honour and loyalty.

Khairol Azman stared blankly at the white washed wall. His back against the opposite wall, the narrow hallway he was in had two doors at the end of it. One was where he came in, the other is where he is waiting to enter. The 12-feet long hallway had one small window facing the garden outside. Khairol's hand began to sweat, he anxiousness was starting to overcome him.

"You can come now", the voice came from a shadowy figure behind the door Khairol wanted to go in. He stood up and walked towards the door, his wrinkled hands grasped the cold doorknob and opened the door. He walked in and bowed towards the man sitting in an armchair the middle of the room. "Sit down", the man that was at the door said. Khairol took the other armchair facing the man in the middle of the room.

But before he sat, he knelt down towards the man and kissed his hand. He then took his seat, shifted himself in a slightly more comfortable position. "Raju, offer our friend here a drink, he is our guest" said the man in the armchair to Raju, the man that was behind the door. Immediately Raju, took a teacup and saucer and placed it on the side-table between the two sitting men. He poured some black tea for Khairol. Khairol looked at him and smiled. "Come, drink, you are my guest" said the man in the armchair. With his withered hands, Khairol carefully took the teacup, blew into the hot drink and sipped it slowly; he placed it back, and with a slight sigh he sat back.

"My friend, you asked to see me, what can I do for you? Try to relax, you're in good company now" the man in the armchair calmly said. "Tuan, I'm sorry for coming on such notice, I know it has been such a long time since we met, times these days are harder and harder. I have never been in such a position like this" Khairol's voice suddenly trailed off, he covered his face with his hands. He cleared his throat, took a deep breath and continued, "Tuan, I will lose my ladang if I don't pay my mortgage up. This land belongs to my grandfather, suddenly the bank comes in and issues me a notice, I don't know what to do", again his voice trailed off, and this time it came with tears.

The tuan, sat there slowly nodding his head. He looked at Khairol. "What do you want me to do? Pay it up for you? Lend you the money? Talk to the bank?" asked the tuan. He then stood up, placed his hands on the shoulder of the old man, he then lifted Khairol's chin and said "For years, I have never heard from you, you were once the main provider for rice for this family but after you got richer, which is only a little rich, you forgot about your friends"

"Please tuan, I will do anything, do this on our friendship" pleaded Khairol Azman. The tuan's eye grew large. He went back to his sit. He looked at Khairol, he forwarded his right towards Khairol. The old man knelt before the tuan and kissed his hand; "Remember this day, Khairol, for you are my friend, I am helping you, your loyalty shall always be with your friends especially the ones who help you in most troubling times". Khairol nodded and stood up, he bowed and took one last sip of his drink. "Thank you tuan. Thank you Tun Lionel", he quickly turned his back and went towards the exit, Raju opened the door for him. As soon as Khairol was out the door, Raju closed the door and locked it.

Tun Lionel Rzumi Wong, sat down now looking at Raju, "Tell, Salleh of this, he'll know what to do". Raju nodded and exited the room. The Tun leaned back into his armchair. He took a sip of the golden liquid in his glass. He stood up and walked towards the room's window, it was facing the outside garden.

He was the Tun. People needed him and he needs the people. He isn't a man in office, but is strong enough to own them.

Petty feelings of Affection.

Desperation,

Anxiety;

The heart is a fragile thing,

it longs for the feeling of love,

never it can be without emotions.

Who does one go for?

What is the heart wanting?

The choices are many

but ultimately

only one is chosen.

Does one go for the one,

in waiting

or

the lonely

or

the hurt

or

the fascinated

or

does one don't go at all

and

focus on what's more a priority?